Introduction

Working on the West Coast while living on the East Coast gave me the opportunity to log a respectable amount of time in airplanes. With that came the dubious privilege of observing a wide spectrum of behaviors: some admirable, others baffling, and a few that were probably invented as dares. This is a modular collection of etiquette advice to keep you from appearing rude, boorish, or like a novice to air travel. It will no doubt expand over time, as long as people keep flying and keep being people.

Reclining in Coach

Yes, your seat reclines. No, that doesn’t mean you should if you’re sitting in coach. Unless you have a pressing spinal condition or a moral obligation to nap at a 7-degree incline, try to minimize the impact on the person behind you.

Pajamas

If your airline gives you sleepwear and slippers for an overnight flight, by all means wear them. Also, take them home. The airline will throw them out if you don’t. That’s bad for the planet.

Hair Management

If your hair is long enough to drape over the back of your seat, congratulations, you’ve achieved what most shampoo commercials only dream of. That said, your seatmate probably doesn’t want a free hair curtain while they eat pretzels. Avoid draping unless not doing so makes you uncomfortable or messes up your hair.

Business Class Glares

Flying business class means you boarded early, enjoyed a welcome drink, and possibly a hot towel. Resist the urge to smirk at those walking past you to coach.

Snoring and Plausible Deniability

If you must sleep, please avoid snoring. If you can’t avoid snoring, queue up a video with exaggerated cartoon snores, crank the volume on your phone or tablet, and let your seatmate assume it’s the soundtrack.

Musical Instruments

There’s no easy, polite, or even practical way to play the cello mid-flight. The harmonica, however, is small enough for discreet entertainment. Just remember: “discreet” doesn’t mean “harmonica battle at row 18.”

In-Flight Therapy

A flight is a wonderful time to spill your deepest personal problems onto your seatmate. Think of it as free therapy with no follow-up appointments. Pro tip: don’t let them respond. That ruins the flow. Besides, they’re not therapists, so their input isn’t valuable.

Grooming in the Sky

Hours in the air with nothing better to do can be a good time to catch up on personal grooming. Makeup touch-ups? Acceptable, though turbulence may yield Picasso-like results. Toenail clipping? Be careful. You’re unlikely to bother anyone if you’re in a private cabin on a good first-class flight. In business class, watch where your clippings go. In a coach, unless you’re contortionist-trained, it’s best to leave your feet intact until landing.

Emergency Discretion

If someone bolts down the aisle with explosive diarrhea, look away. They are already suffering. But do record a video for posterity.

Tipping Flight Attendants

Flight attendants don’t get paid until the doors close. Their job is difficult, often thankless, and occasionally involves mop duty. A tip isn’t standard practice, but neither is decency. Consider a generous tip.

Traveling with Pets

Taking your guinea pig, ferret, or cat out of the bag is fine; just keep them on your lap. Handing your ferret to your seatmate without warning may not be in the spirit of shared skies. Squawking animals like parrots, hookbills, macaws, and cockatoos shouldn’t be brought onboard. Neither should therapy peacocks or howler monkeys. Trivia: cockatoos have been known to reach 135 decibels, roughly the volume of an air raid siren or a loud rock concert.A howler monkey can produce calls reaching 140 decibels. You should consider gifting everyone in the plane a set of noise-canceling headphones if you’re planning to bring these pets.

Script Rehearsals

Flying gives you a captive audience. If you’re rehearsing lines for a play or movie, enlist your seat neighbor. They’ll feel useful and secretly wonder how they ended up as an understudy to Hamlet at 30,000 feet.

Shaving

Dry shaving? Risky. Shaving cream? Messy. Avoid it unless you’re sure that you can get a hot towel from a flight attendant. You’ll have to bring your own mirror.